I have a really fun and peaceful relationship with my adult kids and my teens. They love spending time with our family and come to me for advice and ideas. I believe a lot of this success is attributed to the fact that our parenting style was not stagnant- it grew and changed with our kids.

When your children are little babies and toddlers the role of the parent is a lot like a “Lifeguard”. Your job is to keep them alive because they can’t survive without your constant care and intervention. They have not developed their own logic or understanding of danger. Of course you are so much more then a lifeguard in this season- but if you are not fulfilling the role of lifeguard the consequences can be devastating.

When your children are growing beyond preschool stage, and before they hit the tweens the role of parents is no longer lifeguard but often you find it necessary to play the part of “Law Enforcement” and “public safety”. You are teaching them about boundaries, behavior, rules, and providing consequences when they test the limits. You are making sure they don’t get caught up into habits of lying, stealing, sneaking, and going into dangerous situations that they are unaware of. You are choosing friend groups for them and keeping them out of trouble. You are so much more than police-mom, but if you don’t informed healthy boundaries at this point the consequences can be devastating.

Once they reach the tweens they usually know the rules, they are developing character, they have tested the basic boundaries and are ready to get in the game! They are really for responsibilities, and new freedoms! They have built relational skills, learning skills, life skills under the supervision and guidance of the parents and now they no longer need mom and dad to be the police.

At this age they need a “Coach”. This is when life with your growing kids gets fun! It’s about empowering them to become who they were meant to be, while you give them encouragement, support, and fair discipline- taking them out of the game and having meaningful talks on the bench when they abuse their freedom or display immaturity – losing privileges until they prove they are ready to play fair.

Thanks to your coaching, your young teens now begin to understand who they are, where they are going and what they want in life! Once again the parent and child relationship changes. If you stay in the lifeguard stage or police-mom mode when your preteen needs a coach, and you don’t listen and given them the attention they need as they navigate these transitional stages the consequences can be devastating. It’s tempting to try at this point to be a bigger tougher police-mom – but that’s not going to benefit anyone.

You now become an “Mentor” helping them to evaluate their options, and giving them wise advice to help them grow into adults. You model for them what life looks like in the real world and teach them how to operate in it by your side.

You intentionally create time and space for open communication and take time to listen and speak into their lives. You are proactive and available, and your kids know that you will hold them accountable, and be there supporting and encouraging them as they prepare to launch. You intentionally give them more and more freedom, space, responsibility and ownership of their own path.

You are no longer the lifeguard, the police-mom, or even the coach – your relationship with your child is becoming one built on mutual respect, as they get older – though the parent still has the authority to pull the plug or take away the keys if the child abuses their freedom or engages in stupid and dangerous behaviors. Mom is still the boss, but your goal is to teach them to be their own boss. In general they should have a peaceful growing happy relationship with the parents who no longer treat them like babies or little kids. If they are constantly resisting and avoiding you- it’s probably cause you are stuck in a parenting style better suited to little kids. Grow up, and they will too. When they feel trusted and respected they will shine. But that doesn’t mean to throw them to the wolves, allow them to hang out with gangs, or give them unlimited time with an unlocked phone.

Once your kids are declared “adults” you no longer have a place of legal authority or obligation. If your kids grew up feeling like mom and dad were just playing police year after year, they are going to get out and avoid contact, because they finally have freedom, and that means freedom from your aggressive parenting style. If you were a good coach and a kind advisor in the tween and teen years you will have a new role in your relationship with your adult kids… they will seek you out as a trusted “Consultant” they will come back to you on their own terms, when they need advice, help, guidance and support. The relationship becomes one that looks friendship between two adults who care deeply about eachother, where the younger respects and honors the older, and values their advice and support.

If you think back on your relationship with your own parents, if your relationship with them was struggle and still is, there is a good chance they never outgrew one parenting style or another as you grew up, and you always felt like you were being controlled, policed or not trusted… and maybe you wanted out. Maybe they were helicopter parenting who constantly swooped into rescue mode, when you needed to learn how to handle your own problems. Maybe they didn’t take on a role of protector or guide at all, maybe they were so focused on their busy lives that they expected you to make it on your own, maybe they were too permissive and failed to provide boundaries from a young age, leaving you to fend for yourself.

Whatever the issues might be, you are a parent who cares deeply enough to homeschool and you were willing to sacrifice so much to do this! You want to create a safe and vibrant environment for them to grow, and as you do- don’t forget to grow too.

Are your kids struggling with their relationship with you? Maybe it’s time to quit the police role and start parenting more like a coach. Maybe they need a mentor, not a lifeguards.

What parenting phase are you stuck in?

(Just a quick note, as I wrote this post I was mostly thinking about my relationship with the children born into my home, and the stages of parenting that began in the early days of childhood. I also am parenting five kids who came to our family five years ago after experiencing unspeakable abuse and abandonment, along with five years in a government run orphanage in Ukraine. Parenting kids with trauma is a whole different thing. I have shared a bit about that here and in a podcast with Durenda Wilson. )