It’s June 15th, 1994. Five more days. Soon, I will be with Josh—right there in his arms, looking into his eyes. The one I love.
Then what?
What’s your plan, Jesus? What are you going to do?
Oh, Lord, you are so loving, kind, faithful. You are good. Let me serve you, God. Let me do your work. Let me love for you. Let me be your tool.
I want to praise you. Fill my heart with your joyful song, and let me know your peace. Cause my mind to be stayed—cause my mind to be stayed upon you.
Draw Josh even closer to yourself. Whatever he may be going through, teach him, Father, with your hand. Lead him through this day. Bless him.
Bless my family, and give me a good time to call Josh.
Be glorified. In Jesus’ name, Amen.
——
June 16th, 1994 – The Last Art Show of My Childhood
It’s June 16th, 1994. This is my last art show before I turn 18—Virginia Beach.
I remember coming here when I was six or seven years old, playing with Sky and Blaze and getting sunburned. Another time, I came with Mom and my sister Charity—I must have been nine or ten. Charity and I built the best drip castle ever.
When I was almost 13, I had the funnest art show ever. Dad, Charity, and I came to Virginia Beach, and we had such a great time together. We explored the shops, camped, rode the trolley, and played in the ocean. Charity almost drowned, but a cute guy saved her.
We sat in the van listening to Sinead O’Connor, went to McDonald’s, and, of course, got sunburned.
Now, here I am—older, almost an adult—at the last art show of my childhood.
Anticipating Josh
I just got a message to call Josh. I called, but his dad said he was sleeping and they needed to keep the lines open. His dad sounded kind of annoyed. I hope everything’s okay.
Josh called me back within the half hour, and we talked for two hours. Everything is so wonderful. God is good. Josh asked me if I would mind not having a TV if we get married. That’s so cool. Praise God! He said he would rather spend time with me and the kids. He loves me so much.
God is so good. Thank you, Jesus, for being first in our lives and love.
On February 16th our daughter Naomi and Clancy Booher were married in a small ceremony on the beach. We couldn’t be happier!
To see a bride on her wedding day, as the groom’s eyes look her way, A lone tear streaming down his cheek— he’s never seen anything so beautiful and sweet.
She, in a dress teased by the breeze, Soft sand sinks beneath her feet, storm clouds gather over the sea. A crowd of witnesses can barely breath Silence, hope, anticipation.
Little girls toss flowers on the beach, grandparents shuffle to find their seats. Hearts beat a little harder, a little faster, With quiet memories of their own wedding days ablaze – Past, Present, Futures now to seize.
Children watch, silent, captivated. The father of the bride walks, one last time, his little girl now a bride, leading her to the new love of her life.
And we are all stirred by that first-love feeling, deeply aware of the father’s Pride and joy As he smiles through his tears.
There she goes To take the hand Of another. The rain holds, the tide rises, and we remember love as it was,as it is, And love as it will be.
Homeschool Mommy – Don’t forget that you are also a wife! (I know we have a few single moms here too.)
We were just having a conversation about the guilt that some of us have experienced in the homeschooling community because we don’t always grind our own wheat, bake our own bread, do desk work for 6 hours, and look like pioneers. I think that it can be a beautiful life to do all that, I used to play pioneers with my children and do the whole classical education thing.
Here is the problem that I had… at the end of the day I was too tired from baking my own bread and arguing with my girls about wearing dresses… to give my husband all the love and cuddles he needed! So, first things first, you know! If what we are doing makes us too tired to be a good lover, we are doing too much.
Your marriage is first. The best thing you can give your children is the example of being an awesome wife who truly respects and adores her husband. Keep your husband happy, and let go of the things that make you tired at the end of the day. Save a bit of yourself for your lover . Give him your best.
If you have little ones this may seem impossible… but it’s not. Find out what your husband and children really need and let go of the expectations of mother-in-laws, and people who push academics as the key to success. Follow the advice of the people you actually want to be like.
If you have homeschooling friends who seem to have everything perfect, beware, their marriages are often suffering, and they have forgotten that they have husbands. Don’t trade your marriage in for the appearance of being a perfect homeschooling teacher. You are free to be a lovable wife, that girl that he married. That’s you!
Three Tips from Sarah and Josh:
Use the Bible as your guide to decide what is a blessing according to God, and pursue those blessings with all your heart. What God says is GOOD is good!
Read the Bible together every night before bed.
Have as big a family as possible! There is no greater investment! We were just TWO and now our family includes 21 Browns! Family is everything! No regrets.
Click here for the “Best Tip for Busy, Unromantic Moms”!
About thirty years ago, I fell in love with Josh. We were just kids! I saw in him something amazing- he was living life to the fullest, even as a teen – a musician, training to be a pilot, adventurous, and so sweet to his mom and tender with babies and kids. His love for God and boldness to share his faith at age 14 impressed me. And he was such a gentleman, showing great respect and kindness to all, like his dad.
Over the years he’s been my greatest encourager, my rock, and the one who saw potential in me I didn’t even recognize myself. He calls me his treasure, and he recognizes my gifts, which are different from his.
In our marriage we complete each other – we don’t compete with each other.
As moms and wives, we often carry so much on our shoulders. The house, the kids, the schooling, the meals—it can feel like a never-ending list of things to do. Traditionally moms hold down the fort, that our men have built for us. In the modern world women are striving to show their strength by doing it all, and not appreciating men for their traditional role as the providers and protectors. We don’t want to look weak, right?
I think our marriage is so strong because we value each other’s gifts and traditional roles too.
I’ve discovered what happens when you have a husband who not only shares the load as each of us does what we do best; but he also gave me the freedom to flourish in my gifts!
That’s what Josh has done for me, and it’s made all the difference—not just in my life, but in the lives of our children and, eventually, thousands of families around the world.
I would love to encourage those of you who are feeling stressed as parents to get down to the root of the problem. What is keeping you from enjoying a peaceful home, heart and homeschooling experience? What are some simple changes you can make to reset and relax?
Please share steps you are taking or have taken in your life to reduce stress, media and clutter, to be more intentional in your life. Here are my discoveries:
1. I feel like a lot of families are stressed because too much media has crept into our lives. We need more time in face to face conversations, more time enjoying nature, reading and play.
2. When it comes to social media for example- I’ve learned to skip the newsfeed, and stop mindless scrolling and go directly to the groups I enjoy connecting with – to have meaningful conversations like this one.
3. When it comes to TV and movies, there’s a password, none of the kids can access the TV without permission and help. And there is only one TV in the house that is off almost all the time. For 18 years of our marriage we had no TV at all. Now we use it for family movie nights and educational group learning.
4. When it comes to activities that require driving kids around – it’s usually not happening. We are choosing a home centered life, and if I’m driving kids somewhere it’s with purpose and is usually an activity for the whole family or multiple siblings. We make our home the destination of fun for all the kids friends and leave it up to them to find transportation if they need it. Where there’s a will there’s a way.
5. When it comes to food, it’s not fast – it’s slow. We slow down and treat cooking and baking like a hobby, and we eat meals together, sitting down, at a table and we talk. Our bodies need nutrition and connection- meal time should include both.
6. We simply school by letting go of standardization and focus on learning about the things our kids are passionate about, we go deep into their career goals, hobbies, and interests- they learn to research!
7. Homeschooling looks a lot like living life to the fullest, it’s immersion into the real world to learn how to interact with the real world. Kids in a classroom learn to be kids in a classroom, they learn to be students, and perhaps they can successfully apply that learning to becoming an employee, but children are not designed to sit still and be quiet. Kids are designed to explore and ask questions! Typical classroom learning ignores the very basic design of how children are wired to learn through discovery and play.
8. Scrapbooking, Journaling and Researching with Fun-Schooling Books helps my kids to dig deep into their passions while learning about many other related and relevant subjects. Fun-Schooling is a method of learning that is more like the way adults would choose to learn in real life, where there are no multiple choice quizzes or answer keys. In real life we learn things because we need to know something, or we desire to know something. That’s all.
9. When things seem out of control and life feels stressful we have some go-to methods to help reset. When we need a brain reset I often get out Dyslexia Games or Brain Games. Taking a walk or sending the kids outside to play is also an excellent way to reset the atmosphere in the home. Turning off media is a big first step, and turning to a cup of tea and a fun-schooling basket full of books about our current passions is also a great way you can focus on peace and embrace joy in life and learning.
10. A child’s life should revolve around free play in an environment that offers a safe place for unlimited creativity and imagination. The outdoors can’t be beat! A Lego table or designated art space is a wonderful indoor option. As kids get older play begins to involve specific hobbies, and leads to mastery of skills. Kids who become addicted to screens and gaming might miss out on the beauty of childhood. They end up just wanting to be entertained and may loose their natural creativity and curiosity.
11. Get lost in a book or in a forest, I promise you will find your way out. Wander! Explore! Let yourself just enjoy the simple things of life.
12. Take time to reboot your relationship with your family members and your devices:
Put everyone’s devices on a countertop, and focus on your family instead. Try to remember who you are and what you really wanted in life. A couple days ago we did this. Everyone put their devices on a table in the hallway for the day. They were free to use them, but not go out of the hallway. Going to a central location to be on our phones makes us more intentional. Our devices separate us from everyone else in the house because each device is designed for one person only, is this what we really wanted?
What are some ideas that you have incorporated into your life to be more intentional and peaceful?
We are celebrating 30 years since the day two young teens admitted they were falling in love and agreed it was a lifetime kinda love.
Josh and I were only 15 and 16. It was July 3, 1993.
Today we got out the old letters and read them to each other. Next we loaded ten kids into the van and went to the fire pit where it happened.
We showed the kids a handful of letters from our teen years, and read them some exerts. Josh told the kids the entire love story from his point of view.
After visiting the beautiful wooded campus, at Horizon Christian Fellowship where we began our journey as a couple, we took the kids to Skyline Chili. This was the first restaurant we went to together (though that happened in Cincinnati). Every kid got a hat.
We finished the adventure at Trader Joe’s where we let each kid choose a treat to share during the Fourth of July fireworks.
What a beautiful celebration of the goodness and faithfulness of God.
Here’s a poem I wrote in my Journal back in 2001, when I was 24, a busy young mom with three little children. It’s all about the dreams in my heart, and my hopes for the future. So many of those hopes and dreams have far exceeded what I could have ever imagined.
Tomorrow I want to paint my walls with hills and trees, butterflies and clouds, and sing the songs from “The Sound of Music”. Tomorrow I want to ignore the laundry and play outside with my toddlers. I want to be close to creation. I want to feel the wind and the rain and watch the sky.
Tomorrow I want to wake up in my husband’s arms, and listen as he prays for our family. And I really want to live my life like I was designed to live it. I want music, purity, sunlight and the laughter of children. I want to know the one who made me, yes, I want to make God smile.
Tomorrow I want to bring fresh milk from the barn, bring fresh flowers to the table, and let my little son feel the joy of gathering a basket of fresh eggs. I want to look out the window and watch the neighbor’s horses run. I want to share my two-year-old’s amazement as we examine the beans spouting in a jar on the windowsill. I want to build Lego towers, block towers, and couch pillow towers… again and again and again. I want to watch with wonder as my baby girl falls asleep to Mozart.
Tomorrow I want to drink a cup of loose leaf tea, and share a cup with a friend as we talk about the treasures we found at garage sales.
I want to fill my house with used books and take time to read them. I want to learn all about the way my great grandmothers lived, and teach those skills to others. I want to make things I couldn’t buy, and make other things anyway. I want to make my home an expression of creativity, discovery and faith and I want my heart to be an expression of Jesus.
Tomorrow I want to listen to the hearts of my children and be the one who nurtures them from sunrise and sunset and all through the night. I want to giggle with my daughters and read about tractors with my son. I want to smile when people tell me that I must have my hands full, smile, knowing that my hands are full of blessings.
Tomorrow I want my husband to come home to joy, to peace and to unconditional love. I want to kiss him and rub his back if he’s achy. I want him to enjoy a meal seasoned with herbs from our garden. I want to sit on the porch swing with him and watch the sun set and seasons change. I want to listen as he talks about his computer business and all the new people he meets, then talk about making plans to go to Austria again, or drive down the west coast.
Tomorrow I want to say yes to the things that matter most, and say no to the things that stand in the way of peace. I want simplicity. I want to live by faith. I want my neighbors to see a candle burning in the window, but never the blue glow of a television set. I want to be thankful and content with what I have and when I have more than what I need, I want to give. I want to give even when I must sacrifice.
Tomorrow evening I want to put on my shoes and jacket and go out to the barn. I want to pass the chicken coop and peek in at the hens as they huddle close, dozing on their roost. I want to sing quietly as I milk my goat by lantern light, then take a little time just to look up at the stars, and say a few words to the one who made them.
Tomorrow night I want to fall asleep in a room with wood floors and soft yellow walls as my husband reads the bible to me. I want to dream big dreams, and then make them come true… in my own back yard.
I guess what I really want is for tomorrow to be… a lot like today.
Managing house for a big family is not an easy task! Losing the baby fat is something we would rather not talk about. But let’s talk. I want to tell you about a weight loss and house cleaning experiment I learned about after the birth of my 7th child. I always gain two things with every baby – 40 pounds and an even MESSIER house. I know I’m not alone.
I know that this may seem odd, but I believe that the answer to perfect housekeeping is also the answer to losing the extra pounds! That’s why I call this method “The Clean House Diet”!
Here’s the KEY: Just do what comes naturally – to someone else. You have to think like the “naturally” skinny girl with a “naturally” clean house.
Okay, Okay, you think this woman doesn’t have any babies, and certainly not 5 or 10 of them… but honestly the clean house diet works for anyone. The Skinny Girl knows how to stay fit naturally, what’s her secret? The Tidy Girl with the clean house, seems to be a natural too.
What do they know that you don’t? I bet Skinny Girl learned to say “pass the carrots” when she was two, and Tidy Girl never had to be told to clean up her toys. Is it too late for the rest of us to learn their tricks?
You see, the best way to lose the extra pounds is very simple! You just follow Skinny Girl everywhere she goes, and do exactly what she does. Eat only what she eats. No more, no less. In a matter of time you will also be a Skinny Girl (unless you are a guy–in which case you would not be a “Skinny Girl”– you would be a weirdo and a stalker!).
Most American women have two BIG obstacles in life: The messy house that won’t stay clean and the extra 10 (or 20 or 40) pounds that won’t stay off.
Well, I have had an excuse for being chubby at times, and I have had an excuse for having a messy house at times. It’s a very legitimate excuse… when I’ve had a new baby, and the other six kids are really “crafty” and “playful”.
When I was a teen my parents were always trying out some new diet… “Summer’s coming–we need to look good, so let’s all lose some weight!” So my parents would buy the latest dieting book, and work really hard for three months, and quickly return to old habits.
Housekeeping was just the same…“Company is coming–the house needs to look good, so let’s clean the house!” Then we would all spend three hours cleaning, and after the company left, the house would quickly return to the former condition.
My parents eventually found a diet they could live with called “The Rotation Diet”. It was much more fun than “The Grapefruit Diet” and the “Cabbage Diet” and the “Protein Diet”!
The Rotation Diet went something like this:
Eat like you are on a diet for a few days. That means check labels for fat and calories. Then eat whatever you want for a few days without looking at labels. Wait a few days and eat the low calorie diet food again, and then the yummy food, then the diet food, and then the yummy stuff, yummy stuff, yummy stuff. Continue the pattern until you are skinny… but most people never get skinny or stay skinny for long. We all loved the diet – it was fun and easy. It made us feel good. But when it was time to go to the beach in the summer we were not happy with the results.
I eventually got married and moved out of my parents house (I highly recommend this! ). For years my house keeping methods resembled “The Rotation Diet!” Clean house, messy house, clean house, messy house, messy house, messy house! I wasn’t happy with the results.
When we don’t like the results we say the method or the diets didn’t work. So we give up dieting and just try to dress in such a way as to hide the fat. It’s all about wearing carefully designed clothing to give us girls the appearance of looking skinnier than we really are. HIDE the FAT! It’s about hiding some areas, drawing attention to others and using colors, patterns and deceptive techniques to reduce the appearance of the problem areas. This technique ALSO comes in handy when you want to pretend like you have a clean house! HIDE the MESS. It’s all about having a carefully designed house complete with many junk drawers, closets full of hidden junk, and entire rooms that company will never see.
You see, I have always enjoyed the liberty that came with having a messy house, much like I enjoy the benefits of apple pies, ice cream, steak, fries, and buttery pastries. I like the freedom to be creative, do projects, make big meals, and let the kids play freely all over the house, and I liked to clean up the grand old mess when I felt like it (and I don’t often feel like it!). So I would clean up when we knew that company was coming and I would try to make the place “look clean and pretty” at the end of the day. The kids and I would have a least one cleaning frenzy per day at about 5pm, right before dinner. We were masters of the “Ten Minute Tidy” in much the same way that some girls are masters of the “lose 5 pounds of water weight by Friday”. And then after tucking in the kids I would finish cleaning the kitchen and livingroom before bed.
Recently my parents finally discovered The Skinny Girl’s natural secret to fitness. They lost the weight and they are keeping it off! The greatest part? They have not eliminated the need for hot apple pie, or ice-cream. It’s like a dream. It seems that they found out about a lady who followed a skinny girl around for a week or so and did all the things she did, ate all the things she ate and learned how to think like a skinny girl. You see being skinny comes naturally to some people. The rest of us have to find out the skinny girl’s secrets and put the plan into action. The real way to stay skinny is to live like the people who are naturally skinny!
Here is Skinny Girl’s Diet secret. She does these three things and stays skinny:
She eats ONLY when she is hungry. (Not when she is bored, lonely, or passing by a Girl Scout with Thin Mints)
She stops as soon as she FEELS satisfied, not stuffed. (Her mom didn’t force her to clean her plate, she doesn’t feel the need to eat the whole candy bar, but saves some for later).
She listens to her body, she eats what she is in the MOOD for. (Yes, even if she want ice-cream!)
Since dieting and housekeeping have so much in common I decided to try the Skinny Girl method on my house, before trying it on my body. I decided that in order to keep my whole house clean I would need to find a “Tidy Girl” who keeps her whole house clean ALL THE TIME. I would learn her secret and do what she does. Just like my parents followed the example of the Skinny Girl.
Guess what? I couldn’t find a “Tidy Girl” with my personality, with seven children, and a house with twelve rooms! So I chose an older “Tidy Gal” lady whose house always looks beautiful! She’s retired, has a large home, one cat, one gold fish, one husband, and one cleaning lady. Nothing is ever out of place in that house, ever. She can make a meal for a dozen people and her kitchen stays spotless the entire time.
When I visit her with all seven kids there is still no mess! But there are no art projects, no games with lots of pieces, and the kids stay out of the kitchen unless they are washing their hands. When we visit, the kids sit quietly in front of the TV, or they play in the backyard. Wherever the children go she follows and picks up the crumbs. She never stops moving, cleaning and picking up little things – she even picks up tiny things like pebbles on the doorstep. She lines up the kids to wash hands before and after every snack time. Tidy Gal keeps everything that looks messy or fun out of reach! I watched. I learned. I tried this at home.
Here are my “Tidy Gal” observations. She naturally does three things:
She has a place for everything, everything stays in it’s place.
She cleans up immediately and she doesn’t move on to a new activity if the other one is not cleaned up.
If she sees something out of place, or notices “a yucky” on the floor she deals with it at that EXACT moment.
Tidy Girls naturally do these things and wonder why the rest of us don’t. They wonder why we don’t teach these three simple steps to our children.
Now I understand. When it comes to dieting and keeping the house clean you can’t always do what you feel like doing. You must create new habits. Click here to find out what happened when I tried it!
Josh and Sarah met at 13 & 14. Sarah fell in love instantly, Josh figured out that she was his destiny a few years later.
Sarah was an Unschooler and Josh was an over achiever in a public school, but spent all his spare time studying aviation and technology. He considers himself a weekend “unschooler”. Date nights for Josh and Sarah often included an airplane and a dinner in a neighboring state!
After high school Sarah moved to Hungary, Austria and Russia. Josh went to Embry Riddle Aeronautical University to study his passion.
They had a long distance relationship for most of the seven years before getting married at ages 20 & 21. They spent their first three months of marriage backpacking in Europe. Ten months after the wedding Isaac was born and the parenting experiment began.
Fourteen months later Anna joined the party, and started throwing monkey wrenches into every ordinary occasion. At age 8 her parents found out she had Dyslexia and that’s when Sarah created DyslexiaGames.com – Anna is a “Super Creator” Here’s Anna’s latest project, scroll down for her “Red Chair Interview: HisStoryTheMusical.com
Fourteen months later Estera graced the world with her presence, and has been lighting up the lives around her ever since. Here’s Esther’s instagram account. She’s 21 now, a photographer living in Hawaii: https://instagram.com/estherscanon
Eighteen months passed before the “Negotiator” came on the scene. At first it was assumed she would become a political figure or criminal defense attorney. Nope. Rachel is an artist and figure skater. Check out her art and adventures: https://instagram.com/rach.charity.brown
Almost two years passed before Naomi joined the Girl Gang. Her first word was probably “Horse” her first phrase was probably “I want a puppy”. She now runs a dog hotel, dog accessories shop, and has a few horses.
Another little sister filled the world with wonder, and made her genius status obvious to all by age three. A mastermind, world traveler and deep thinker who hides behind paint and canvas. She recently became the family’s chef. At age 16 she occasionally posts a thing or two on Instagram. Looks like she has a store on Instagram: https://instagram.com/autumns.brush
Lovely Laura arrived with the spring flowers and became a very naughty little instigator as soon as she could walk and talk. She was one of those kids who preferred animals over people until about age 12. She’s the expert on endangered species and tropical birds. Today she has more “best friends” than we can count, suddenly a “people person” with a big heart. She’s not on Instagram yet. Maybe she will be when she’s 16. But here are all her books on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=laura%20janisse%20brown…
Joe came next. A ten pound baby brother who wanted to be a YouTuber at age 3. So he started YouTubing as “The Littlest Blogger” in preschool. If you met Joe at age four he would have been wearing a suit, holding a calculator. He would tell you that he’s a scientist and Math-Man. He’s 13 now. He added many videos to my channel. Here’s one of his early videos about HOW to TEACH MATH to kids: https://youtu.be/xJBLH9aE6-8
Ember was her daddy’s idea. After Joe turned two Josh started wishing for another baby. Little Ember Rose was born in Italy in 2012. She is a lover of the great outdoors, a naturalist, always researching the plants and animals in her environment.
Leah was God’s idea. Surprise! The best gift that could ever be given. She came along two years later. It was during the last couple months of her pregnancy that Sarah decided it would be a good time to take a break from homeschooling. At age 39 Sarah just wanted to take time to treasure her youngest baby. She had a feeling Leah might be her last baby. So Sarah created a collection of Homeschooling Curriculum Journals that would provide six weeks to a full semester of homeschooling prompts, with minimal effort from mom. Fun-Schooling journals have been rolling out ever since. And Leah, now 8, is the family’s storyteller and comedian.
When Leah was six weeks old the whole family moved to Ukraine. It was while volunteering at a local orphanage that the family met a sibling group and felt a calling to adopt. A year and a half later five more kids joined the Brown Tribe, and Isaac, the oldest son, now 19, was married to Rita, his Ukrainian sweetheart.
The adopted children were ages 6 to 16. They didn’t speak English, but quickly learned. The oldest sister moved back to Ukraine the day she turned 18, after assuring us from day one of the adoption that returning to her village was her dream. The four younger children, Lilly, Alex, Abby and Christina bonded beautifully with their new siblings, and have been taking their time adjusting to the idea of having parents.
Eventually Chrissy learned to read English and discovered her passion for books, especially historical fiction and all things Amish, and Hobby #2, volley ball.
Abigail developed a love for crafting, pottery and jewelry making.
Alex picked up a guitar, a skateboard, and a camera and developed a passion for extreme sports.
Lilly is simply everyone’s best friend, engaging in anything and everything her big sisters are doing.
The family loves to free-range around the planet. The world is their classroom. It’s not uncommon for Brown teens to hop on a plane to go after adventure, a mission or a dream overseas- with or without parents or siblings.
The family now lives on 22 acres in Indiana and have turned the property into a homeschooling campus where each member of the family is free to craft a dream, start a business, tap a maple tree, sharpen a skill, plant a garden, raise a critter, spark a romance, toss a ball, or follow a butterfly.
Our family spent a few days with the Robertson family in Louisiana, and Korie gifted me a copy of her book. It meant a lot to me because my daughter Anna recently had this conversation:
Over the holidays three of my adult daughters were visiting. When I came out the the living room early one morning half a dozen daughters were gathered around the fireplace reading their Bibles, writing in their prayer journals and listening to worship music. And I said, “How am I so blessed that my children are truly following Jesus? So many of the people I know are complaining that their adult kids and teens are rebelling against their faith.” Anna said to me, “You and dad are not hypocrites. You showed us a faith worth following, and always live what you believe. You and dad were authentic.”
I’m at a coffee shop this morning, with Josh, Anna and my daughter Christina. Everyone is having their devotional time. I brought my copy of “Strong & Kind” that my friend Korie wrote. I’ve met four of Korie and Willie’s six children and was amazed at how faith and love glowed in the hearts and hospitality of each member of the family. Rarely have I met other families with young adult children so passionate about the faith they grew up with. I wanted to know what was at the heart of their parenting victory. So here I am in Chapter 20. This morning. I asked Korie if I could share her wise words with all of you.
Be Real
It seems that society today is clamoring for something real. Organic and all natural are buzzwords for everything from food to clothing to body lotion. Could it be that we’re finally done with fake? I doubt it. Along with all the talk of going back to a more natural approach to living, our magazines and television screens are full of ads for products that include fake eyelashes, fake nails, fake tans, fake food, fake hair, and fake fur, There’s still plenty of fake to go around.
But fake things don’t last–well, except for Twinkies and Spam. Those have been around forever. Eventually, the fake tan fades and the eyelashes fall off. Fortunately, we’re usually at home when that happens, which is the best place to get rid of fake anything. In the interest of full disclosure, when you’re in the entertainment business, there are times for fake hair, false eyelashes, and a spray tan. It’s fun to feel glam for one night or for a photo shoot, but it feels even better to get home and take it all off. Home is where we can be ourselves, take off our makeup, put on our stretchy pants, and just be. But being real in our homes can be more complex than just being free to walk around in a pair of sweatpants and our husband’s T-shirt.
What exactly does it mean to be real? Here are several questions I want to explore as we talk about being real in our homes and as parents.
Do we try to appear one way to the world while acting differently at home?
Is the life we’re living true to how God made us?
Are we allowing our kids to see that being real can sometimes be messy?
Do You Act Differently in Public Than at Home?
Let’s discuss the first question. Kids are damaged when the inside of the family home doesn’t match the outside impression.
I’m talking about parents who put on a front to appear one way to everyone around them but then come home where they’re totally different people. Nobody likes a hypocrite, yet I think that’s exactly what our children see and think of us sometimes. They may not know the term or how to articulate it, but they see it, and it will affect them negatively. It will impact the level of respect they have for adults and how they approach and interact with the world as they grow up.
A very common reason people give for leaving the church is they’re convinced it’s full of hypocrites. A hypocrite is a person who pretends to have virtues, moral or religious beliefs, or principles that he or she does not actually possess, especially a person whose actions contradict stated beliefs. A perfect example is a person bragging about her humility.
Hypocrites are deceivers and pretenders, so they may put on a false show of humility so that others will notice and commend them. Are we doing that in our homes?
Are we pretending that values such as honesty, kindness, patience, goodness, and self-control are important to us while living lives at home that demonstrate the opposite? Are you doing that? We do this when we gossip- we may be kind to others when face-to-face with them but belittle them behind dosed doors.
We do this when we lie about little things, perhaps saying, “Tell them I’m not home,” when someone calls.
We do it when we tell our kids not to tell their daddy how much money we spent at the mall. Yes, it’s a problem when we appear to be one way in public and another way at home. It’s also a problem when we burnish our appearance as the perfect little family when we’re out in public but spend our time yelling and fighting behind closed doors.
Don’t get me wrong. We’ve all had those moments when we’ve argued and griped right up until the time we walked through the doors of the church building, then quickly changed our tone and thrown a smile on our faces. If moments like that are just moments, there’s no need to worry. Nobody’s perfect. But when moments like that define your family, it’s time to take a good look and make the changes necessary to really become the family you want others to think you are.
Have you seen the apps that can Photoshop or adjust your pictures to perfection? In seconds your skin can be flawless, your teeth glowing white, and any stray hairs smoothed into shape. While it’s natural to want to put your best face forward, it’s never good to present yourself as something you’re not. Our family is often asked to do photo shoots, and when I am asked to choose, of course I always want to pick the best version of me. However, I don’t ever want to pick a “fake” me, or a picture that has been doctored so much that it doesn’t look like the real me.
Why do we work so hard to show others our best selves?
Why do we give our best selves to the ones who matter to us the least?
Then when we get home to the people we love the most and who love us the most, we offer them our worst our gripe-y, unloving, selfish selves.
I truly believe that being inconsistent with who you are, being one way at home and presenting yourself to the world as something else, is one of the most destructive things you can do as a parent. When we do this, we’re asking our children to live a lie.
Kids learn values by watching our actions, and this type of hypocrisy confuses them and diminishes their respect for us. You may not see this affecting your children when they are young, but during their teenage years, you’ll definitely see the damage.
What I’m talking about in this chapter, being real, is not about whether you stay in your pajamas all day and then dress up to go out with friends. It’s about your value system and the way you treat others.
Certainly, we must act differently in the workplace or for a dinner out than we do at home. No one expects you to act exactly the same way at a board meeting as you would playing UNO with the kids. That would be silly. How we behave is one thing; what motivates that behavior is another. Whether our actions show the values by which we claim to live is the key here.
I’ve learned a few things in my twenty years of parenting. One is to never expect your children to do what you won’t do. Willie and I know that if we want our children to view our value system as real and something important to live by, our own actions have to match our values.
Leading by example is the number one way to teach children any behavior you want them to have. Kids respond better to “Do as I do” than to “Do as I say.” Jesus came to this earth not only to offer Himself as a sacrifice but also to be our example of how to live. God knew that His children need an example, a pattern to follow. Our children need one too.” (excerpted from Chapter 20, “Be Real” in Korie Robertson’s book, Strong and Kind.)
